I should read my bible.
I should try online dating.
I should lose 10 lbs.
I should go to my parents house for Easter.
These thoughts are so normal. You are probably flooded daily with a ton of “shoulds” and all of that leads to feeling obligated or even critical of yourself. Feeling like you aren’t living life the right way. Because in your mind there is a right way you should be showing up, and then there is how you are showing up, and they probably don’t match. But thinking in shoulds creates a life lived out of obligation.
The other day I was talking with a client and she had a new relationship opportunity arise. She kept thinking, I should try this out. This would be good, I should want this relationship, but the problem was she didn’t want it. So she had two competing thoughts. I should do this, and I don’t want to. But once she peeled back the layers, the only reason she was thinking she should do this, was because of what everyone else might think about it. When we started exploring the idea that she could do this if she wanted to, it felt totally different than I should do this. She was then able to get curious with herself about what she was thinking about him and wanting in general.
So often we can find ourselves living from this manual or book of expectations we believe people out in the world have for us. And those people know best for us. These people we don’t even really know. You know when you find yourself saying, “They’ll think this…. Or they think I should…. Or a good girl should… or a Christian girl should…. Those are my favorites. We believe there is a standard and then we continually judge ourself against that standard.
How often are you doing things in your life because you believe you have to or you should?
It was interesting that when I asked myself this question so often the most well intentioned things turned into obligations just because I had changed my mind about wanting to do them or why I was doing them. For instance, I really liked serving in our church nursery. For a period of time I rocked babies once a month, then I got switched to the 4 year olds and slowly I started thinking, oh I have to work in the nursery today. Over a period of time I could tell I didn’t really want to do it anymore but I felt like I should do it and I really thought deep down that I should want to do it if I was a good Christian. So instead of letting them know I was done volunteering in the nursery, I just kept doing it, but it was totally coming from a place of obligation. The pandemic hit and things changed up in the nursery and when they asked if I wanted to volunteer again, I really asked myself if I wanted to or not. I realized I didn’t want to, it was okay and I didn’t have to do it anymore.
I wonder how much of your life you are doing just out of not questioning if you even really want to do it. I give you permission to step back, see where you are doing something out of obligation and ask yourself do I want to do this, and if not why, and if you do, why.
This kind of questioning and thinking will really allow you to live more from a place of desire and hope and giving, then from a place of obligation, judgment, and trying to make others happy.
Also when you start looking at things from a place of I could it begins to open up possibility and hope. You start to think I could lose 10 lbs if I wanted to, I don’t have to. You start seeing all of the opportunities available to you.
You could online date.
You could apply for that new job.
You could become a home owner.
You could heal from that heartache.
You could volunteer for that.
But all of these options are available to you if you wanted them. You don’t have to do any of them. There is not a right or wrong way. There are options and you get to take the opportunity to decide what you most want and why.
Shifting your mindset from I have to and I should, to I could and I want to, can really change the type of life you are living.
As a single woman you can live very intentional and purposeful days. There is not a manual for how you should do it. Every one of you are going to do life in a unique and amazing way. Some of you are going to live on your own, some are going to live with roommates, some may even live at home with parents. There is no RIGHT way. There is just opportunities. But make sure you are living the life you most want to live. Don’t just keep doing life from obligation or what you think others think you should be doing. They don’t know what is right for you, only you can figure that out.
God longs to lead you and guide you and a really good way He does that is by speaking to you through the desires He gives you. So if you desire to live in community with other women and have roommates, awesome. If he gives you the desire to travel and save your spare cash for adventures, awesome. If he gives you the desire to pour into the homeless people in your community, awesome. But if you don’t want to do any of that, because you don’t desire it, awesome, look at what desires He has given you and steward those.
Don’t live your life according to what the world, others, your church, or even your family thinks you should and shouldn’t do. Start living a very authentic life coming from thoughts of I could do that, and I know what I want.
For some of you this may be very foreign. Changing your mind is foreign to you. Saying no is foreign to you. Not doing what other people think you should do is foreign. But just remember you can practice with little steps and just seeing how much of your life is coming from a place of obligation and how much of it is coming from your truest desires, is the best place to start.
You can do this!
Cheering you on,
Angie
